still jonesin'

I've not had sugar since 1/5/12, but the craving still there. It's mostly dormant, until I drove past Bess' today. There's a girl there named Robin, and she bakes the best damn Hershey Kiss cookies ever!! I struggled to pass it by. My minds eye envisioning the little tan and brown delights, so sweet, so delicious! I had to focus, really focus on the memory of neck pain, on the degradation of my muscles, and on the knowledge of the devastating effects of sugar. It didn't make it easier to pass by Bess', but it made it possible. Possible is the most I can ask for.

Crawling out of the basement

Cheesy and I went to the cleveland clinic on Tuesday to find out what was wrong with my neck. The drive was worth it because it turns out there's nothing wrong with my neck except some muscle strain. Doctor said definitely no cancer. Of course cancer is the first thing we worry about when something feels like it's just not right. Why is that? Anyway well I'm glad there is no cancer I do think there's more going on my neck than just muscle strain. And whatever it is it's my body's way of telling me that it is has had enough of sugar. Sugar--my nemesis. Its power overnight me is akin to heroins power over a junkie. I am a sugar junkie, a well informed sugar junkie but a sugar junkie nonetheless.
I've been clean now since january fifth. At the beginning of the year my neck pain was raging. Now it's all but cleared up, with just a little ache here and there. On January fifth I could barely lift my arms over my head without extreme fatigue. Yesterday I hung up all my laundry without any problems. Could sugar have been that devastating to my body? The more research I do the more the answer is yes. For some reason my 3 week Christmas cookie binge settled into my neck. I'm sure I'll never get a diagnosis, but since I've been sugar free I feel like a new person, like crawling out of a dark, damp basement. The sun's shining and I think I'll hang out for a few more decades.

NAAFA Reject

The National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance rejected my book because they said I still have body issues. That's okay. Yes I will always be haunted by body issues. Who among us is totally free of them? Perhaps the question should be, Who is willing to admit she is not free of body issues?
This is where the rejection gets sticky. As a writer and a human on this planet, I'm used to rejection. But the NAAFA reason is suspect. Are they claiming that every member of their organization is absolved of body issues? I've spent most of my life in a fat body, and I find this difficult to digest. I know thin people who have body issues; models have body issues. Perhaps NAAFA members have developed some sort of mysterious Teflon coating, and are untouched by insecurities.
I wonder if a pill was discovered tomorrow that guaranteed a thin and healthy body within a year, how many NAAFA members would turn it down? Just wondering.

Again

Ohoh, here I go gaining weight again. I'm back on sugar, and generally tired of caring. My health is in the shitpan, but I'm soooo sick of trying to maintain control. I guess this is one of those floating times I describe in my memoir. Of course my body is responding as millenna of evolution dictates, jelly belly, spare tire, tight jeans, and that peculiar look that my face takes on when my weight is up. I really don't give a crap about the fat anymore; I now wonder if I'll be kicking myself in the ass in twenty years for ignoring the facts now. Of course the ass-kicking will come on the form of diabetes, heart disease, crappy joints, etc. I almost can't wait.

How do I regain control? Maybe there's a phone app for that. If anyone knows, please spill your guts.

What a beautiful day! I'm finding it difficult to face the prospect of procuring food for the day. If I was alone, I probably wouldn't have a crumb in this house. How ridiculous for a food addict to live with a natural anorexic. How I wish I could be more like him. But no, everyday I have to fight this damn addidiction, never knowing how I will be able deal with it. Will I live? Will I lose? Sometimes I can only live through another day without overstuffing my gas tank.

nemesis

Weekends are the hardest. I think I gain each pound on Sat or Sun, then I struggle with it throughout the week. My addiction to sugar is pretty serious. My nemesis.

Just sitting here at the shop bullshitting with the guys at the shop feeling too full from dinner. Why does that alway equate with guilt? Feeling too fdull. I'll never understand why I eat when I'm not even hungry.